Infertility, Miscarriage, and the Gospel

Last summer I was pregnant with our 3rd child. We had miscarried our first (baby Samuel), we had a healthy little boy running around our home, and God had blessed us with another child. At my 12 week checkup with this third pregnancy, however, there was no heartbeat. Due to various reasons, we had to have a D & C, and it of course took me a couple of days to recover.

The next week it seemed that I "woke up" and realized what had just happened. We had lost our little baby (baby Joy), and I had to face God all over again with my pain and heartache. I pulled out a book by C. S. Lewis that my brother had given me (the book had, Providentially, been a Christmas gift the week before we miscarried our first child), as the message therein had been a source of great comfort to me after our first miscarriage. I preached to myself again the gospel and the words that had comforted me 2 1/2 years earlier after our first loss. I began to recount to myself what God had done and where God had brought me. The words I wrote then are recorded below.. ♥

{date written: Aug 22, 2013 (the week after our 2nd miscarriage)}

"How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, 'I never realized my loss till this moment?' .... The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again." C. S. Lewis in "A Grief Observed."

There is a death, of sorts, in the path of infertility. It involves the loss of dreams, plans, and hopes. You spend abundant emotional and spiritual energy, thousands upon thousands of dollars, and time. So much time. Days and weeks cycle into months and then years. The term "emotional rollercoaster" seems inadequate and trite for the pain and sense of grief and loss that a couple can experience during these months and years.

I am so thankful for my season of infertility. I can't believe I just typed those words.

Days and months and years of face-on-the-ground kind of praying and sleepless nights.

So much invasion of privacy, coupled with charting and temperatures and medication and bloodwork.....month after month, that creeped and crawled into years.

Infertility procedures, surgery, and countless ultrasounds and scans to explore and delve into "What's causing this?"

And pregnancy test after pregnancy test after pregnancy test. Negative, negative, and.....negative. For years.

And then, in my case, a positive pregnancy test. It was one week before Christmas. I was in shock! I remember praying Hannah's prayer from 1 Samuel 2 when I found out I was pregnant, kneeling in worship before the Father.

We lost this baby to heaven the next month. From my journal the week we lost our baby...

For several months, I grieved and battled within myself. I remember telling the Lord that if I didn't know Him so well, I would not have been so hurt and angry with Him.

But I DID know Him, and I DID know without a doubt that He had given this life to my womb knowing all the while that I would be brought to the highest high in my life, only to crash and be utterly broken within weeks. He gave me this Samuel-baby, knowing that He would soon take this baby home to be with Him and that it would break our hearts.

{date written: Aug 24, 2013}

"As for God, His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30

I realized several days after the loss of our first baby that I believed and breathed and prayed and repeated this verse in a way I had never understood or believed before. "God's way is perfect" became my declaration of sorts, both to myself and to those around me. It seemed a strange anthem from the broken-hearted, childless mother, but it was a truth about God to which I could cling and at which I could throw and heave my anger, trust, confusion, emptiness, and pain.

Once, at a point in Jesus's ministry when many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore, Jesus asked the twelve, "You do not want to go away also, do you?" And Simon Peter answered the Lord Jesus, saying:

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God."

Have you ever felt this way? Friend, the LORD is God, and there is no other (Isaiah 45:5).

I did not like the path that God had chosen for me. I did not like that He took my 20's and exchanged them with barrenness. I did not like that He took my baby.

But I had nowhere else to go. I had no one else to turn to but God because the buck stops with Him.

Sister, He could have healed your infertility, He could have saved your child, and He could have never given you this path of tears and emptiness and a broken heart. But He did give it to you, and you have to go to Him with your pain and brokenness.

Do you lack faith? Do you not believe? Is your faith so small that you don't know if it's even alive at all? Are there no words for prayer, no more tears for crying? Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Ask for faith and ask to believe. It is your only hope and He is the only Savior. You must go to Him and cast, throw, heave all your hurt and pain and struggles upon Him. Cast it all upon Him, because, my friend, He cares for you.

During the months following our first miscarriage, I often preached to myself the Gospel. God loved me and sent His Son to die for my sins. Christ Jesus died upon the cross. He was buried and then He rose again on the third day. He ascended to heaven. He is coming back to make all things new.

Recount to your soul the Gospel message and pray for grace to trust Him more. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Listen to music that focuses on the Gospel and the cross. Pour out your heart to Him, tell Him all your pain and troubles. There were times I struggled to pray, not having desire to pray and not even knowing what to say to God. Often, I just read through the Psalms and underlined words that I offered up to God in grief and a cry for help.

Do you know what will happen when you seek Him with all your heart? Here is something else that I have learned about the character of God. In Isaiah 61, we find that God is a God who binds up the brokenhearted. He comforts those who mourn. Do you know what He gives to those who have nothing left but ashes and mourning? He gives them a garland and the oil of gladness. He will exchange your spirit of fainting and heaviness with a mantle of praise. He will let you share in bringing Him glory, my friend.

Your pain will not go away entirely until God does away with death forever. Some days the pain will hit you anew, but remember to run to the Comforter and draw near with confidence to the throne of grace to receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

May I leave you with the passage that I believe God gave me during this time of grief and heartbreak, a time when I did not FEEL His presence and questioned His love and care? In Isaiah 43, God promises the people of Israel that, although they will be sent into exile to a foreign land and walk through great pain and death and suffering, He loves them and is their Redeemer and will bring them back to the land flowing with milk and honey.

But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; You are mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place. Since you are precious in my sight, Since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life. Do not fear, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth, Everyone who is called by My name, and whom I have created for My glory, whom I have formed, even whom I have made."

With much love... amanda

Resources and Links

..Additional resources regarding grief, infertility, and pregnancy loss can be found here at Bless Your Heart and Home.

..A song for the brokenhearted: "Though You Slay Me," by Shane and Shane, and featuring John Piper.

..If you are grieving infertility or loss of a pregnancy, you may find this newsletter encouraging during this season of your life: Bethany's Stepping Stones e-newsletter. I looked forward to receiving every copy and was greatly ministered to by the content they offered.

..I memorized scripture using this scripture memory plan by Dr. Andrew Davis: An Approach to Extended Memorization of Scripture. I believed that God was leading me to memorize more scripture in 2010 during a season right before we first got pregnant. Little did I know the encouragement and hope that the scripture memory would be in my life as God applied the promises and truths from the book of Philippians to my heart during our first miscarriage.

..A couple of years into our dealing with infertility, I was invited to join a Precept Upon Precept study of the book of Isaiah. It changed my life. If you ever have the opportunity to join this study (or any Precept Bible study!), I hope that you are as encouraged and fed by the word of God as I have been learning to study the Bible inductively through Precept Ministries.

..Hope for the Woman Going Through Infertility, a guest post for The Purposeful Mom blog on Six Biblical Truths Regarding Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.

..Yes, God Will Give You More than You Can Handle, by Michael Hidalgo at Relevant Magazine.

..A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis (an affiliate link to the book at amazon.com)

..When God Doesn't Make Sense, by Dr. James Dobson (an affiliate link to Dr. Dobson's book at amazon.com)

..Fernando Ortega's music, many songs which are available on youtube.com. I own this CD and love it: Shadow of Your Wings (an affiliate link to the audio CD at amazon.com)

..When the Hurt Runs Deep, by Kay Arthur of Precept Ministries (an affiliate link to Kay Arthur's book at amazon.com)

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